~Updates 2005 - 2006~
It is with great joy that we can announce that our family grew bigger and
complete on the 29th of April 2005.
Cameron James came into the World after a 4 hour labour. He is completely heart
healthy and perfect in every way.
In the three weeks since he was born we have been through many conflicting
emotions. Overwhelming love and joy tinged with a sadness that his big brother
isn’t here to poke him in the eye and give him big sloppy kisses. Darcy is
never far from our thoughts. We still have that “ache” that something is not
right, that will never go away: we are without our firstborn son, but we have
full arms once again.
Cameron looks very much like Darcy, and although sometimes it is hard, it is
also a comfort. He is a very placid wee man and is content just to gaze around
or watch Anna-Jayne’s mad attempts at getting him to smile. We can’t seem to
explain to her that he’s still a bit little!
We will not be having any more children. The pregnancy was so emotionally
draining and stressful that we have decided that we couldn’t go through that
again. Coupled with the 1 in 50 chance of having another heart baby, we are
more than happy to accept our two earthly babies and one angel baby!
When people ask me if Cam is our 2nd child, I still say he is our 3rd.
It has brought up a lot of questions from people but I cannot ignore Darcy, he
is as much a part of our family as Anna-Jayne & Cameron. So I am finding that I
am telling our “story” a lot more again but that is okay as well.
Cameron’s birth has become another milestone in our “Darcy journey”. It has
been the end of a chapter of sorts and the start of another. We are glad to
have the opportunity to finish our childbearing on a positive note and look
forward to seeing them grow up, but we will also have the impossible wish that
our three children could be growing up together.
We will be able to post an update of Darcy’s 2nd Birthday and
Angelversary very soon! We can’t believe it’s been 2 years already.
Thank you once again for reading and for everyone’s thoughts and well wishes,
they mean so much.
June 2004
A
whole year has passed since the day Darcy was born. Some days it feels like a
lifetime; other days, a moment. As each day goes past, our pride & joy in Darcy
is strengthened. We feel more blessed as the time goes on, our pain is
increasingly soothed by the memories we built in those 2 days. The thought of
his little fingers & toes, or the smell of his skin - they’re the things that
tide us over, when the cloud of grief threatens to engulf us.
For Darcy’s 1st Birthday, Steven, Anna-Jayne, my Mum & I went to the
Botanical Gardens and had a picnic on the grass. We ate decadent food & enjoyed
the sunshine. The whole day was rather quiet. What do you say to a loved one
who is going through their own memories, their own pain & their own exquisite
joy on the anniversary of our little man’s Birth? We just took comfort from
each other’s presence and had lots of cuddles.
We just ate and watched Anna-Jayne chase the Ibis & feed the ducks. Her
innocent joy at the outing was what we all needed to be a part of: the feeling
of the sunshine on our faces & her laughter at the grass tickling her toes.
Anna-Jayne is our savior on these “hard” days. Every day is hard but the
anniversaries get us when we’re not looking!
Another highlight of my day was phoning Fiona, Joshua’s Mum. We have been
emailing back & forth most days for months now & she has become such a huge part
of my life. Her emails cheer me up & help me to cry & know with utmost
certainty that I am not alone. We share so many emotions and I thank God every
day for her. Being able to talk to her on the phone gave me such a precious
memory to finish the day with. To be able to go to bed with a smile on my face
was so special, and so is she.
We got lots of phone calls from friends & family and it was lovely to think that
so many of us were celebrating his Birthday.
I
have struggled with faith & hope in the past twelve months. I find the hardest
thing in this journey is the finality of death. I may live until I am 99 years
old & I will never see his face again, only in my dreams. I think death brings
up so many questions about life & the meaning of it. These are questions that I
think I will be pondering on his 21st Birthday and beyond, but for
now I am content to believe God lent him to us to show us how strong the power
of love is. Darcy was on Earth for two short days but he will touch people for
ever.
Our extended family has recently been extended further with the birth of Rebecca
Macaulay, baby sister of “Hearts of Hope” Georgia. She has brought so much joy
& we are so blessed to have shared in this time with Jacqui & Andrew. Rebecca
is absolutely divine & I am loving all the cuddles & kisses I have had.
So many people have sent us emails & signed the guestbook. It makes us so happy
that our story touches people & makes them give their own precious family
members a hug or remember their own sweet angel. We are so grateful that his
story is read by so many people & they feel our joy at having him in our lives.
To all of you & our family and friends, thank you for sharing with us and for
your support & care, it means so much to us.
Well, Never Say Never!....
August 2006
What can I say? After fertility treatment to get
Cameron and being told statistics of 0-3% to ever conceive another baby
naturally, Poppy Mae had other ideas and arrived 13 months to the day after her
brother Cameron!
I spent the first 17 weeks of my pregnancy in
shock. Once we went to see Dr. Hurley on a visit to Melbourne and he said “It
all looks perfectly normal to me” I started to think maybe this would happen.
It all seemed too good to be true! And she is…..
13 months between babies sure puts a huge strain
on your body but after 11 and a half weeks post-partum, the physical pain has
disappeared into the murky depths of the ‘past’ and I am back to awe of the
amazing ability we humans have to love & create these perfect little beings.
Poppy’s birth was a transforming experience for
us. Steven was completely hands-on, a rock of strength in my World of pain. I
was only in active labour for 32 terrifying minutes, so there was no time for
any pain-relief – quite a shock for me seeing as I’d had an epidural for all the
other babes. In the midst of my pain that only we women can experience, I
thought of Darcy and prayed to him to watch his sister into the World safely, to
allow us the time with her that we didn’t get with him. I felt so close to him
in those moments before she was born.
In those middle of the night feeds, I sit
watching her and think of how much we’re missing out on with Darcy, how lucky we
were to get those 2 precious days, wishful aching that he was here to share in
our adoration of our “sunshine girl”. I know he’ll always be here, as long as
we’re alive, Darcy lives on in us, but I still have the insane want to hold him
again and tell him for the millionth time that I love him.
So our hearts have swelled to include our ‘Lil’
Popstar’ and still ache for our boy Darcy. I was discharged from hospital
on the day before his 3rd Birthday. I just couldn’t bear to be in a
hospital on his special day. We ventured out for our first family outing on his
Birthday and had a “family” portrait, complete with our ‘Darcy cow’. It takes
pride of place in our dining room so that on every trip to the kitchen – of
which there are many, I can look at our not-so little family and admire how far
we have come. Having said that, I still stare into the abyss of grief on an
almost daily basis, but I have come to realize that this is my new “normal” and
I can never go back. Although, I have also come to appreciate that I don’t want
to go back as that would mean leaving a massive part of my life behind.
Steven graduated as an Officer from the Royal
Military College in June, a mere 2 and a half weeks after Poppy was born. He
told me that whilst standing on the parade ground, thinking about the end of our
massive 18 months of struggle and sacrifice, with him working 7 days and nights
a week, hardly ever getting to see the kids (awake anyway) and being an absent
father & husband, he thought of Darcy and thought how hard life has been since
his death, that RMC was a drop in the ocean. An important drop, but a drop
nevertheless! Darcy is his inspiration when the going gets tough, all he has to
do is think of his beloved son and it gives him the strength to keep on going.
Our marriage has suffered and prospered, Darcy
being the tie that binds us to each other. I would be lying if I said that we
didn’t have days that our pain was too intense, that merely looking at each
other mirrored and intensified that pain and caused us to want to run as far as
possible from each other. But we have come through stronger. I put my dear
husband up on a pedestal for loving me & our children so fiercely, and wanting
to shield us from pain, however clumsy & sometimes infuriating the attempt.
When I fall down, unable to go on, he picks me up and pushes me through,
unwavering in his support, his silent strength and understanding. Men & women
grieve so differently and in the depths of my early pain, I am ashamed to say I
didn’t recognize this, understand he was suffering just as intently as I was.
But he kept on, kept some sense of normalcy in our family and I will be in awe
of him forevermore.
So there you are, these are my latest news
and musings in our forever travel on this road of grief and love. My hope is
that in my clumsy attempts at writing our travels, it gives a little ray of hope
that life goes on, and another ray of understanding that life is never the same.
Much love, The Elstons x*